my silly blog

3 men die on chrissymas eve to get into heavin st peter says you must have something on you that represents chrissymas the englishman flicks on his lighter and says its a candle st peter lets him pass the welsh men pulls out a set of keys and says theyre sleighbells st peter lets him pass the irish man pulls out a g string and bra st peter says how the fuck do they represent chrissymas paddy the irishman says theyre carols

you wanna know what time it is this is so accurate
http://twitter.com/big_ben_clock

man walks in to bedroom sees wife packin a case
he asks where are you goin
she replies im goin to london ive heard prostitutes get 400 pounds a time for what i do for free
the man starts packin the case
wife asks where are you goin
he replies im comin to just to see how the fuck your goin to live on 800 a year

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.
Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.
Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.
I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?
On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.
They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

Billy Connolly
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cosy, does not try it on.
On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.
Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

i fall in with my friend
he said sorry for calling me crazy
we are loonies and we are proud